Oh & in case you're wondering I am suffering for motherhood blues right now

Monday, December 02, 2013

I try to shy away from rant type blog posts because I know that what I care about you might not care about, what bothers me might not bother you. I know emotional diarrhea can be off putting and send you clicking in the opposite direction but I actually don't care. I just have to get this out.

I have been having such a rough time with motherhood these last 2 weeks. Sophie is 7.5 months old now and she doesn't have a tooth yet. I know everyone is different and babies do things at their own pace and there is no right or wrong time. But when the 5 month old cherub at the mommy & me group proudly flames his new tooth I just want to scream in his adorable little face. Add to that, it seems like teething has come to its very worst point, or at least I hope it has because if its due to get worse I don't know what I will do. Seeing my little baby suffer like this guys, my heart can't take it.

Listen, teething is like labour, it starts and you think ok, this isn't so bad, what are those other women talking about, I can do this... and then it really starts and you realize how truly fucked you are. Teething is that. At first you think you'll cope, but it will break you.

Now I am going to tell you something terrible. Last weekend, we had a very difficult night with Sophie, the crying and the gum rubbing and the pain and the fact that for the most part we couldn't really do anything. It was hard and my spirit was broken. We left her to sleep in our bed and when feeding time came I was far too exhausted to even think about sitting up, so I fed her in the laying down position, and shit, fuck, godamn I fell asleep too and oh my god she rolled off the bed. The tears are prickling the corners of my eyes as I type this. I never knew terror until the second I realized what I had done. She cried so hard and heart sore and we rushed to the hospital only to be told she's completely fine. Truthfully 5 minutes after the fall she was giggling and playing with her snuggle bunny. As soon as I accepted that she was safe my heart just broke. How could I do that? How could I be so irresponsible? Tiredness is not an excuse. I can't shake the feeling of disappointment in myself and I can't stop thinking about her sad little cry.

These past 2 weeks have just sucked. I am so glad for December. Hopefully Sophie's teeth will come with Christmas too.

(please restrain yourself from commenting about what a terrible mom I am, trust me, nothing you say could make me feel any worse that I feel already.)

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