Tuesday, September 05, 2017

This post has been rolling around in my subconscious for so long now. I honestly feel like I've had to dip my bucket into the courage well in order to publish it.

For as long as I can remember I have been a bit of an agnostic. I am passionate about science. Living in an age of proof is amazing. Our knowledge is exponential and it only stretches every day. As we grow as a species, we learn so much more about our planet and our bodies and it's wonderful. This age of proof lends itself so well to questioning all the things we do not fully understand. Things like faith.

When Sophie was born, like in that exact moment I first laid eyes on her, I said the first prayer I'd said in decades. I was overcome with every emotion and I looked at her perfect little face and the first thing I did was thank a God I had struggled to accept for most of my adult life.

I immediately pushed the concept of faith aside and carried on with this new chapter in my life.

Then when Sophie was 18 months old she got really sick. We found out she had a congenital disorder in her digestive system and needed emergency surgery. Sitting in Vincent Palotti hospital, in the cold, dark waiting area outside of the surgical wing, I once again found myself turning to this God. I prayed my second prayer over her life and I cried so many tears. In the end she was OK and while the entire experience shook me to my core, my little girl was healthy and happy and back to her old self in no time.

I once again pushed this idea of faith aside and carried on with my life.

Years later I was pregnant with Grace. My pregnancy turned from uneventful to quite terrifying in a matter of weeks. I went into preterm labor and had unexplained bleeding at the start of my last trimester. Once again I said a prayer. This time it was more like begging. I begged for forgiveness for ignoring what was in my heart. I begged for the life of my child. I begged for everything to be ok. And it was.

Grace was born a healthy, happy little baby and this time my prayer over her life was deliberate and said with such intention. I wanted God to know that I didn't understand him. I wanted him to know that my faith terrifies me. I wanted him to know that despite these two things, I was putting my baby's life in his hands because something deep in my heart was telling me to. Something I could not explain.

Accepting this sense of faith has been so difficult for me because it challenges all the things I uphold as true. It makes me feel judged and scoffed at. It makes me self-conscious.

I have wanted to write about my reluctant fall into faith for so long but I haven't felt brave enough. I don't know why I'm doing it now. All I can say is that I wake up every day and I feel God's presence in my life. I feel like my life is following a path that is greater than I am. I look at my children and I see these two amazing gifts that have been given to me. I don't know why I deserve the life I have. But I am grateful. I don't know why I believe in God. I don't know how I can accept the part he plays in my life. I don't understand where this faith comes from because I have not nurtured it. Maybe I want to believe and perhaps that's enough. I've come to accept that my faith is unshakable. I know this because I tried to ignore it for years.

I'm at a place in my life where I can no longer hold onto pretense and hypocrisy (especially my own). I have not always been the best version of myself and I know that it is only in my moments of absolute authenticity that I am my happiest. Finding the courage to always be honest and true to myself and my beliefs has been something of a radical journey for me. I'm enjoying my life so much more now that I have embraced my flaws, my mistakes, the broken parts of me, the wonderful parts of me. I'm happier because I know that even at my worst, I am loved, when I am at my lowest, I am not lost.

While I know and accept that faith and religion is not for everyone, I have grown to realise that it is for me.



  1. Amen!! I love your ending about how it's not for everyone but it is for you and I relate to that. I am a child of GOD and with him my Faith is stronger than my fears. Thank you for sharing so opening ❤

    1. Thanks so much lovely! I am so glad you liked it.

  2. Well done Nikki :)


I love comments!


© We Are The Humans | A South African Parenting and Lifestyle Blog. Design by FCD.