Monday, September 04, 2017

It's Saturday afternoon.
There is nothing special about today.
You will not remember today.
But I will.
I will remember today because today, I am lost in the magic of motherhood.

We're laying on the bed. My head is pressed into your sweaty little neck. I know that you're sleepy and I should put you down for your nap, but I have waited all week for this moment and I can't let go just yet.

In this moment I am the mother I want to be.
In this moment I am the mother you deserve.

My sweet little pea, we've had a tough week, haven't we? I've whispered "I'm sorry" into your ear so many times this week, I've lost count. I've gone back to work and you've started nursery school and while I agonized over the decision, I know I have made the right one, but it's still so difficult.

Every morning we drop you off at your class and your teacher sweeps you up into to the brightest and biggest hug and every morning you look at me with such confusion and tears in your eyes. I turn and walk away as quickly as I can. I hope to miss the start of your actual cry because hearing it splits my heart in half. I'm sorry, I want to shout it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you're starting school a year before your sister did. I'm sorry that your middle of the night cries are often met with an equal amount of concern and annoyance. I'm sorry that I don't spend enough time with you. I'm sorry that most of the time I'm such an average mother. I'm sorry that I let you play in the cot instead of cuddling you, I had to get supper started and get your sister in the bath you see? I'm sorry that you have to wait for 5 long days to get the mom you deserve. I'm sorry because I feel like I did a better job with your sister.

My sweet Gracie, you are so little and I look into your soulful little eyes and I never see anything but complete and unconditional love and sometimes that look you give me makes me feel terrible because I want to try harder but I don't always have it in me. I know that right now things are chaotic and you miss me, I'm not present enough and it hurts you, but I promise you it won't always be like this. I promise you that very soon you'll have me back. I promise you that in less time than you can imagine, I'll be absolutely everything you need again.

But for right now, we have this moment. This cuddle in the sunshine on my bed. With my face pressed into your sweaty little neck and your sleepy, wet kisses tickling my wrist. I love you so my baby. And I'm so sorry.


  1. Hang in the, hardest thing :( but ur daughter will be fine, must say i cried reading this hit all my emotions

  2. Oh man Nikki, I'm sure you're doing a great job even if you have a little mom guilt. Strongs momma bear

  3. This piece actually made me tearful. You are doing an amazing job mama.❤❤❤


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