Thursday, January 04, 2018

Trigger Warning: ED, Weight loss, Diets 

So as some of you may know, I have been on something of a quest towards embracing a more positive approach to my physical self. To put it plainly, I’m done feeling shit about myself because I’m fat.

Whoa! I know what you’re thinking:
Omg nikki, that’s so unhealthy
But don’t you want to be thin
You have such a pretty face, just lose some weight


The truth is, I actually have been feeling quite horrible. I actually have been feeling really unhappy with the way I look and the way my body feels. I’ve never had a healthy relationship with food and after declaring myself 100% BOPO and wrapping my arms around all this movement has to offer, I started to slip back to a few very unhealthy habits. Habits I’d worked so hard to break. I was eating emotionally. I pretended it was “because I was hungry and I was following my body’s natural cues” but really I was binging. And we all know what comes after binging.

I have gained weight I don’t feel I can actually afford to gain. I’m not a tall person so if I gain weight, it’s always very obvious to me. My body aches in places it never used to, my joints are creaky, my legs feel stiff and heavy, my skin looks so gross.

Ok that’s enough. I just had to get that out. But I’m sure you get the picture now? This post isn’t supposed to be about all the ways I hate my body. Quite the opposite actually. Instead of sitting around feeling horrible and knit-picking my appearance, I am ready to make a few really positive changes and get back to a place where I truly love the person I see in the mirror.

So without anymore fanfare, here are a few of my body positive resolutions for 2018:
  1. Good bye scale - I am not the first person to tell you that weighing yourself constantly only increases the negative feelings you have towards your body. You will know when you are in a place that feels good. Your body will tell you. You don't need a scale for that. 
  2. Good bye mainstream print media - again, you've heard this before right? The thing about glossy fashion mags is that no matter how you start, it always ends in comparison and you know that comparison is the thief of joy, right? You know that don't you? It really is. Put down the mags and read something inspiring instead. Pick up a cookbook and plan some delicious healthy meals. 
  3. Adios ready meals - like many, many moms on the great planet, I too succumb to the (not so occasional) ready-made meal. Yes it's convenient, but it's also pure filth. My kids and my body deserve better. 
  4. Hello movement - I love exercise. I love pushing myself and feeling my body work. It's flipping exhilarating. I stopped exercising ages ago and I am dying to get back to it. When I say exercising I am not talking about punishing myself with hours at the gym. I am talking about movement, hiking, cycling, going for walks, getting active. 
  5. Oh, hai greens - "healthy" means something different to everyone. For some it means skinny, thigh gaps and salads for every meal. For me, it has and will always be about how I feel. Eating meat makes me feel terrible. Terrible about the environment, terrible about my body and guilty about feeding my kids food that I know is pumped full of hormones. So this year we are making the shift to a red meat-free home. The girls love fish and ultimately our goal will be to be completely pescatarian. 
  6. Yes! Welcome back, self awareness - this is always a tricky one. I usually get so stuck in my head thinking about the me I think exists (which is always 100% fatter and uglier than the me that actually exists) that I slip into a bit of a hermits existence. I stop seeing friends. I stop going out. I stop dressing nicely. It's horrible. I am so focused on embracing the kind of self-awareness that facilitates a healthy body image and opens the door to consistent self-care. 
  7. Fuck the hell off diet everything - Ok so in a minute, if you keep reading, you'll have a WTF moment, but hear me out. I am so over reading about diets and weight loss journey's. I think it's great. I may even need to embark on one of those myself, but what I really hate about this talk is that it is always about reaching a goal and totally neglects the need for constant self-love and self-improvement. I know, and I mean KNOW, that losing weight won't fill the holes in my self esteem. I need to work on all of me, not just my body. We all do. 
  8. Routine! There you are, I’ve missed you - the absence of routine turns my entire world to chaos. So we are back to our strict daily routine and so far it's been fabulous and controlled and comfortable. Just how I like it. 

How will I stay on track? How will I continue to hold myself accountable to these goals? Easy? I’m going to just be super public about it all. Something that is incredibly difficult for me because I can share anything online, except my feelings about my body. So I’m pushing myself out of my comfort zone and starting a FB page dedicated to my walk down this path of self-acceptance. It’s called: Fat Mom on a Diet - or FMOAD. Despite the name, it’s actually not going to focus on diets at all but rather on self-care, body positivity, self-improvement and all round acceptance. I picked the name because it’s what I always sing when I listen to the first verse of Cypress Hill’s Insane in the membrane. So if this is a topic that resonates with you and you too would like to sprinkle a little self love on your life, then please give this page a like. I’ll be updating it with recipes and other things that I have not yet decided on. 

Now, I want to ask you something:

If you have set a resolution to lose weight, to be a specific size, please ask yourself if achieving this will make you happy. Truly happy. Will being thin help you love yourself? If not, it could be worth digging a little deeper. In 2017 i realised that being thin was not a magic “fix-all” for the issues I had with my self-esteem. I needed to dig deeper, I needed to really get to the core of my unhappiness and reignite the fire in my heart. It’s been really difficult but flip, on the good days (of which there are many) I feel like the absolute best version of myself. And I want that for everyone.

What are some of your health goals for the coming year? Are you thinking of starting a diet? Are you starting to train for a marathon or triathlon? How are you pushing yourself to accept and love yourself more this year?



  1. loved this, I'm also pretty for a fat girl :( I need routine and exercise!!! not because I long for the days I was a lollipop head, no. It's because I walk up the stairs and then need to be resuscitated...WE GOT THIS :)

    1. Yes!!! We can and we will! For me it is all about feeling good and not so much about the size of my body. I think focusing on a healthy lifestyle that gives me the energy I need to roll around with the kids is all I need to focus on.


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