Thursday, August 14, 2014

In case you also need to beat the stress monsters to death

There was a young woman sitting opposite me on the train home today. She had what looked to be a 7-9 month old baby cuddled in her lap. Just as the train started to make it’s way out of the station, her baby began to cry. She whipped out her boob and started to breastfeed her baby. I was watching her intently. I had had a rough week at work and something about bearing witness to this simple act of mothering made me feel calm.

Until it didn’t.

It’s like that Lily Allen music video; you see things as you hope they are, not as they truly are. The longer I sat and watched that young woman, the sadder I felt. She was dressed in worn clothes, her baby was wrapped in a towel and not a blanket, her one shoe was so worn down in the front that I could see her sock. She was not well off. I noticed people watching her with that look of disapproval that always accompanies public breastfeeding. I could see her face, she was shy and apologetic, perhaps even embarrassed.

And then I just started to cry. I couldn’t push it back anymore. That young, breastfeeding mother was the final straw for me. My sadness bucket was quite full before I got on that train, but then it over flowed.

Did I mention I had a rough week? Well I did. I feel like I need to just say it. This week has fucking sucked a shitload of trucker ass. There! Done!

It's been so long since I've experienced work stress, I'd actually forgotten what it felt like. I had also forgotten how to manage it. So my life, like all of my life, has just been a ball of shit this week.

I’ve been a terrible mother: Sophie ate McDonald’s hot chips for supper last night.
I’ve been a terrible partner: Regan’s suffered guys, the affection level in our home has dropped to a frigid zero this week.
I’ve been a pig: My diet is screwed. I’m a stress/emotional eater. I eat my feelings, and I don’t mind telling you that they taste like carbs.
I've been exhausted and therefore I've been a miserable human: Sophie picked the best week ever to get another big back tooth, I think I've slept 7 hours all week. I'm vrot with exhaustion.

Tomorrow is Friday and I am so glad. I’m glad because I need to hit the pause button. I need to shake these feelings of self-doubt and this sense of failure I’ve been walking around with this week. I need some time to be a mom to Sophie, like really, not just bath her and put her to bed, I miss my child. I need to remind Regan that I love him, so much.

Today I cried so hard, so ugly and so publicly. But now that’s finished. And that makes my heart a little lighter.

Good night!

Post a comment

I love comments!


© We Are The Humans | A South African Parenting and Lifestyle Blog. Design by FCD.