Friday, August 11, 2017

There’s a concept I find myself going back to and thinking about so often that I almost have it written on my heart. It’s this idea that as mothers we are hardwired to seek out connections with other mothers, and we live in a world where that is no longer as possible as it used to be. I once read this quote, and it’s still with me:

“Since the beginning of time (and until very recently), mothers have borne life’s burdens together. We scrubbed our clothes in the streams while laughing at splashing toddlers and mourning the latest loss of love or life. We wove, sewed, picked, tidied, or mended while swapping stories and minding our aging grandmothers. We tended one another’s wounds (both physical and emotional), relied on one another for strength when times were tough, and sought counsel from our community’s wise, experienced, and cherished elders.”

When we have children we close the door (temporarily) on friendship. There are many reasons for this, but my own experience has taught me that the main reason is that we want to allow this beautiful new chapter of our lives to totally consume us for a while. We revel in our newfound respect for our bodies, our amazing little children and the sheer joy of motherhood. Eventually the lights start to flicker back on and we find ourselves looking around an empty room. This room, once filled with friends, perhaps has just one or two maybe three cherished individuals left in it. And it’s lonely. It’s lonely because when the door to friendship starts to open again, you are forced to confront the reality that while you were busy raising a baby, you were also busy losing friends.

I don’t long for specific friendships, I accept –and indeed, respect – the fact that most friendships will not be life long, but I do miss the pleasure of sharing experiences and knowledge with women just like me.

Ours is a generation of hyper-connectedness and ironically, it has left us completely detached. We have replaced real life friendships with DM’s @’s and mentions. We speak of “friends” we’ve never met and relate more to the people in our phones, than the people in our lives and I am ready to call bullshit on that whole existence. I believe that a piece of our DNA calls out for deep connection with other women, as mothers we need to share. We need to grow together. We need to live together. I don’t mean cohabitate, I mean share our lives with each other, it’s something carved into who we are. It’s the reason we join mom groups and offer unsolicited advice, we need this bond.

Sitting here now, typing this post, I am confronted by one question: what am I looking for? Is it as simple as a need to broaden my circle of friends? No, actually...

I am looking for women who are comfortable enough to admit that they’re struggling because they know that admitting this is not a comment on their inadequacies, but rather a reflection of how flipping hard it is to be all things to all people at all times.
I am looking for women who are secure enough in their position in their families to acknowledge and meet their own needs because they know that if they don’t, they will never be happy.
I am looking for women who are vulnerable enough to be the most authentic version of themselves because they know that anything less would be a sham.
I am looking for women who are confident enough to lift up another because they know that shining a light on someone else doesn’t dim the light shining on you.
I am looking for women who are brave enough to live in truth, even when it’s uncomfortable and difficult and almost impossible.
I am looking for women who want a new way, women who know that we are supposed to be failing and falling and crying and laughing and struggling and rejoicing… TOGETHER.

I am looking for my tribe. I have a few of you already and knowing you has given me the resolve to never settle for anything less than absolute authenticity above all else.

So here’s to strong women, may we know them, may we be them and may we raise them.

Happy Women’s Month.


1 comment

  1. so love this post, this is exactly how i felt when my 1st child was born being this first of my close friends to have kids it was a lonely place, and boy when you don't have kids people just don't understand why u cant just drop everything to be somewhere or attend something and eventually people stop asking you, but then you start building ur new tribe and those friends that you lost the connection with become parents to and they start to get it


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